i hope i won't miss you that much

it's 12.37a.m and i still haven't done packing yet. i don't know if these stuffs can fit into my small car. girls always fail to pack lightly. why oh why?

tomorrow, i'll be leaving for selangor. i'll be a student again. fulfilling my parent's wish.

i stopped working on november last year. ever since then i've been managing the house- from house chores to groceries shopping.

my parents are so used to having me taking care of the house and the fridge. i don't know how they will cope when i'm gone.

it's funny (to me) how i really want to quickly finish studying and score a job at aloq staq so i can take care of my family, the cats, my grandparents and aunt, the house and the fridge. it's funny because the daughter who fights with the parents the most wants to live with them just to take care of them. my siblings keep on telling me to "get a life". they love my parents as much as i do but they think i will not have a life if i live with my parents all my entire life. my sister and brother always tell me "kalau sibuk nak jaga mama dengan ayah sangat nanti tak kahwinlah awak". i know they don't mean to be mean though it does sound really mean but i know they want me to be able to go to the malls, people watch, get a boyfriend and be happily married. in other words they are scared that i might end up being a spinster because most women who take the responsibility to live with their parents and take care of them always end up becoming spinsters.

if God has planned to make me a spinster that i'll become one. if he doesn't then i won't become one. 

my life would be "lifeless" if i don't take good care of the people that i love.

dear aloq staq,

i'll be back in less than two years to take care of everyone and everything, again.

till then take care.

facing the fact, accepting the truth

i spent 3 days googling about it and when i saw it is "genetically inherited" it made me really angry.

i asked my parents to do medical check ups because i want to know from whom did i get it.

i was really angry because when i was 14 they saw signs of it but they didn't take me to the doctor.

i was really angry because parents should observe their children's body especially when they hit 9 years old but my mom paid more attention to fat and skinny. not the growth of my bone.

i was really sad and angry that i purposely tried to blame the genetics that i got from my parents.

 

my parents told me to calm down. they should have just shouted at me or slapped my face, but they didn't.

i allowed myself to cry and be furious for three days.

i googled how people with the same problem handle it.

when something is incurable, "face the fact" and "accept the truth" are easier said than done.

i need time to face the fact and accept the truth.

the pros and cons of medical check up

i am not that person who goes to the hospital for a medical check up on a regular basis.

i have only done five medical check ups through out my 23 years of life. the first one was when before my family and i went to UK. the second one was when before i went to UiTM Melaka. the third and fourth ones was when i suspected that there's a lump in my right breast which i then discovered i really do. the fifth one was this morning.

and this morning, i discovered that something is wrong with my spine. if i didn't do the check up i will never know about it.

now that i know, i keep on thinking and googling about it. i cried several times today. all of a sudden i feel my back is aching. before this it was all fine. i know it has something to do with psychology but i just can't help it. it's even aching now. i have to use four pillows to support my back and my parents will be ordering new high quality mattress for me tomorrow.

i wish i didn't know about it. i wish i didn't tell my parents about it. now i know why older people refuse to do medical check ups. 

similar goes to knowing then you have cancer and have a year to live. the pros would be you get to seek for treatments, repent, and etc. the cons would be you will worry about it and other illnesses such as insomnia and depression might come next.

my parents keep on telling me that this is "ujian Allah". i've been telling myself that too.

"sorry ayah, mama for causing both of you to have more sleepless nights because of me."

"I don't have a reason to be angry with God"- A Walk To Remember.

bahasa melayu akan hilang di dunia

last weekend my parents' house was like a nursery. my nieces and nephews (except ryan) were here. besides babysitting them, i enjoy observing these little monsters.

my nieces first language is English. while my nephews, though they can't talk yet, i believe Bahasa Melayu (BM) will be their first language, if not Bahasa Indonesia because they spend more time with the Indonesian maid than their own parents.

there was a time all of them sat in front of the tv watching boboiboy on astro. the girls wanted it to be English as they can't understand BM very well. while the boys wanted it to be in BM as they can't understand English very well. since the girls are the senior grandchildren, like my father always calls them, they got to watch it in English.

when playing together, the girls tried their best to speak BM with the boys but it sounded like orang putih speaking BM. this is nothing to be proud of. my mom and i are so worried that they might have trouble with Bahasa Malaysia subject when they enter public primary school which would be next year for sarah! though we are worried about it, we ourselves use English to speak with them. how irony is that?

i understand that a lot of parents nowadays, especially in the urban area, make English as the first language at home since English is a language that is becoming more and more powerful. interviews nowadays are conducted in English. if you want to score a job at a reputable company you must be able to speak and write in English. more and more parents want their children to study at international kindergarten/school and abroad. more and more parents are proud when their children score a job overseas or at international companies in Malaysia. 

but

what will happen to Bahasa Melayu?

tea party

my very close next door neighbour just got engaged and the wedding reception for the groom's side is somewhere in september. when we were small we were playmates and he always bullied me but now he is going to be someone's husband. time flies really fast.

on knowing that he is getting married the anak-aku-tak-kahwin-lagi stress hits my mom. it happens every time my friends who are of my age get married.

i'm looking forward to being a small part of the big wedding. they are inviting 3K people! i would help with everything that i could. his mom still refuses to tell the theme of the wedding. so my mom and i played the guessing game. since he works in the army, the theme might be army (of course).

then my mom asked me what will my wedding's theme be. i replied "it's still too early to think about it." then she said it's just for fun, nothing serious.

so i told her that i want a vintage tea party wedding theme. it just came out. i never knew i wanted that kind of theme. we then spent hours googling the images of vintage tea party wedding theme.

my mom didn't really like that theme because she felt it's too "orang putih", especially on the food part. according to her believe, a malay's wedding reception should be all about nasi minyak, acar, kurma daging and ayam merah. she said it's ok if this theme is used for the akad nikah. i've attended my cousin's malam berinai which used the vintage tea party as the theme. so i get what my mom is trying to tell me. the wedding reception's theme can be anything that a person can imagine and dream of but the food served must be nasi minyak, ayam merah, acar and kurma daging.

while i, on the other hand love it because nasi minyak's course is costly.

+

+

+

=

my pelamin.

it might take 10 years to get Theme of Que Rafael to make this idea of mine into a reality.

like my mom said it's just for fun :)

technology thy name is

 toddlers, as young as 1 year old are a pro in playing angry bird, one of the many games that they always play using their parents' smart phones. when the parents have to leave for work, the sons cannot play angry bird as the parents need to bring their phones with them, which then leave the parents feeling guilty for the sons and that is how toddlers/kids nowadays have their own personal ipad.

the situation above describes my sister in law and my brother. they had just bought an ipad 2 for her 2 and 1 year old sons which is to the disagreement of my parents. to make it worse, since the boys are fighting over one ipad, they will buy another one for the 1 year old. my sister in law and brother are not the only parents in the world who buy their kids such gadget. i've seen many small kids playing games on ipad and galaxy tab while eating at restaurants with their parents, attending people's house during raya/kenduri or while waiting for their moms trying clothes in the fitting room.

the way my parents see it, they feel parents nowadays "nak senang saja" or in english parents nowadays want to make their roles as mothers and fathers easier.being able to play games like angry bird using a tablet does make the kids good kids. they will not cry and throw tantrums when the parents want to enjoy eating at restaurants, walk in the mall for hours, visit people's house, get their hair and nails done at the salon and etc because the kids are occupied with the game.

when i was 2 year old, maybe i was playing with dolls, home or blocks. of course, i couldn't remember but toddlers at that age play normally play with plastic boys.

the coolest game that my father has ever bought me would be the bricks game.

my conservative mother has always believed that "a parent's job is never easy and should not be made easy using short cuts". she thinks mothers who use gadgets to keep their children controllable are not real mothers.

while my father on the other hand worries about finance. he says: 1) one day the kids will be bored with the games. 2) if the kids already given a RM1,700 thing at the age of 2, it's not impossible for them to demand for a more expensive thing which will result the parents to be in credit card debt.

i agree with my father more. one of the many reasons why parents nowadays work hard to earn high wages is they want to be able to buy expensive gadgets and toys for their children. other reasons would be sending their children to the best (best means the most expensive) kindergarten and school.

what worries me is that a lot of parents in this era are using materials to show their love towards their children. high wages come with more time needs to be spent for work. despite having to play with cool and expensive gadgets or toys, these children will end up staying at home and spending more time with the nanny.

most probably these children will only say "thank you mom and dad. I love you!" to their parents every time they are given expensive gadgets and toys. that is where love does cost a thing. what if suddenly the parents can't afford to buy things for their children? "you don't love me anymore. i hate you!" is what they might say. some parents say they love their children so don't mind having to work hard in order to afford buying their children expensive gadgets and toys.

children's love towards their parents and parents' love towards their children should not be based on material gains only. 

i love my mom because she cooks for me and is a best friend to me whenever i need one. i love my dad because he is my personal counselor and always make me feel good again about myself whenever i am at my lowest point.

just to name a few.

and  i don't come from a rich family.

fast food

i haven't eaten anything from the fast food restaurants for two months. i can't believe this fast food monster can live without fast food. 

growing up, i am the most picky eater that always gives my parents headache.

when i was young, i disliked rice, mee goreng/kuah/kari, bihun goreng/sup, laksa and etc.

i survived on kfc, burger king and potato chips.

every day after my parents picked me up from school we would go to KFC to buy the original fried chicken.

when everyone else is eating rice for lunch i would eat a bag of potato chips.

after spm i lived with my sister and brother in law and every day he would buy me burger king for lunch.

though my family disliked what i ate, they had no other choice but to let me to because eating fast/junk food was way better than eating nothing.

when i was young i was not an athletic person. eating fast food and junk food every freaking day did make me became chubbier day by day.

when i was studying at uitm shah alam, i was a fan of McDonalds because i could just wear my home clothes, jump into my car and drive thru my food.

i'm blogging about this because just now, two of my friends came to my house for lunch and we were talking about fast food. one of them said "i would prefer carls junior over burger king, McD and KFC" and they kept on elaborating how juicy carl's junior's burgers and how fat the fries are.

i was not even salivating.

that is when i realized i am not the annoying everybody-hates-me for-liking-fast food-so-much monster anymore.

i really can't wait to tell my parents, especially my dad tomorrow (as they have gone to bed). he has spent years lecturing/advising me to eat healthily.